Jokes I would tell if I were a Comedian


So I used to work at a liquor store, you learn a lot of interesting things and meet a lot of interesting people working at a liquor store.  Like one whiskey they had, was turned, (you have to keep whiskey moving while you’re distilling it otherwise it goes bad- like old people.)  anyway they turn it by blasting music at it.  So I’m thinking, “damn, that’s awesome, bet they play some dank ass hip hop, some fat motherfuckin’ beats yo.”

Nope, they don’t.

I tried it.

It’s not even like some hillbilly old back country rhythm and blues kinda whiskey.

It tastes like shit.

I don’t mean Lil Wayne either…

It’s more like Yanni doing Justin Bieber covers…

Bunch of pussy in your mouth…

I don’t mean the good kind…

Or vagina…

The kids love it though.


Something else I learned working at a liquor store.

This one guy comes in and tells me, (he’s not homeless, but he’s the type, ya know?)

He tells me he could dependably call winning scratch ticket numbers by sucking on a woman’s nipples for ten minutes.

Which gave me an idea.

But first I’ll need a volunteer… a lady volunteer…

Any takers?

That’s too bad.

Jimmy came all the way out here from Brownsville just to suck on some titties and make a few bucks…

All proceeds go to the Feed Jimmy Carter Brown and Get Him a 5th of Vodka Before 11am fund.  Or the FJCBGH5VB11AM Fund for short.

But seriously folks, this is serious.  It’s a hard life out there.  Have you ever tried begging on the street for titties?

It’s tough, let me tell you.  It’s tough.


I’ve recently learned, thanks to Jimmy- that  I have the gift.

Last week I made $500.

I think my dad got a little upset though.

Mom’s been in a coma for like 6 months.


Don’t worry though, we’re pulling the plug on Saturday.

She’s not my real mom, so it doesn’t count, ya know?

I was adopted, because my real mom smoked crack while I was inside her.

I prefer a cigarette after sex, but, you know, to each his own.


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