Dick move Yeah, I know
You know there comes a time in a man’s life when a man has to wonder: what is a man?
A person with a penis
I am, but is that all I am? A penised person?
Truth hurts buddy.
Yeah, I got a truth for you.
What kind of a truth is this?
It’s the kind of truth a man has to muster when he’s a man in the mirror facing the music for the very first time.
“I’m hoping he can change his ways.”
“No message could have been any clearer”
I’m just going to give it all up and start a theater.
I want that.
Yeah, well go get it boy!
We’ll go get it.
No, you go get it. Not together.
This must make dialogue hella boring,
Shit, it just got real.
It’s been real all along.
Yes, maybe, no. Don’t push it.
You’re a dope.
And a jackass.
Donkeys happen to be one of my favorite animals.
No, not like that.
Don’t distract me. Talk to me.
If you don’t know then maybe we don’t need to talk.
Do you just have responses? Reactions? How do you feel? What do you want to do with your life? How are you making that happen? And yes you are a jackass.
Jeez. Ok. Ummm, uh I’ve got things? I do, I’ve got stuff I’m into, I do stuff. Ok, honestly? I just want to make music, to build a community, do art, perform, see the world, go to Mars, build a theater, wander the Earth, live in the woods at one with nature. I lose my head in the day to day, I think about you, the nature of relationships, my emotional landscape, behavior interpersonal/sociologic/cellular/molecular. I feel like I must like living on the edge to be at the cliff of hunger and poverty while I’m stalked by debt predators, I fell for a scam and I’m told to make a hard living by a bunch of fat cats with silver spoons in their mouths. They went from humbler beginnings to the top of the ladder real quick, we had it best when we were born and it has diminished ever since, more and more as the days go by. We could all be scientists and artists. I think about robots! And space!
Then what are we arguing about?
We’re not. I just told you, you’re a jackass. End of story, not a big deal. You’re just a jackass.
Oh. Well I could’ve told you that.
How are you feeling?
Could you be more descriptive than that?
I don’t like what you said, I don’t like how it made me feel, I don’t want this to happen.
How did it make you feel?
Could you be more descriptive with that feeling as well?
I feel like where is this all coming from? I was just poking fun and I was happy you came, and I liked what you wrote, I’m just not into the poetry thing ALL THE TIME, otherwise it was great. I felt like you got very nasty towards me, vindictive even for having any difference in opinion or being myself or making a joke or whatever, you’re really cryptic at times dude and it’s off putting. Telling me to shut up, telling me these are promises, accusing me of doing this to you by way of some picture I sent to you because you make me feel warm inside and fucking wet and I want you but now I’m not so sure. I’m not so certain I know who I’m dealing with anymore, or maybe you’ve just got some real fucking problems you need to work out, or maybe I suddenly don’t want to be with a person who makes me feel this way- NOT GOOD. So I don’t know, you’ve been really sweet to me, and patient, and made me cum through 3 layers of pants and made me laugh and smile. Where the fuck is that guy?
That’s a lot.
Yeah it is a lot. You’re a lot.
I am a lot.
So work on it big guy.
So are we?
It doesn’t matter does it?
It does to me.
Maybe that’s the problem.
What? That you matter to me?
Do I care about you? Yeah, a heck of a lot. But you don’t really matter to me, or my life, you know? You have nothing to do with it. I just like you, a lot. You ok?
Yeah, I’ll be fine.
But you’re not right now.
No, should I be?
Because what is love but to matter, to mean something to someone.
You mean something to me.
Yeah? What do I mean to you?
That’s a hard question to answer.
So answer it.
I think I’m trying to figure that out, that’s why we’re here. Right? To figure out what we mean to each other because we clearly mean something to each other.
You really think so?
So where does that leave us?
Today. Right now. On the phone.
And tomorrow we’ll see.
Doesn’t seem like that’s been working out does it.
My life is working out.
So is mine.
So what’s the problem?
Well I’d like to talk to you more. I mean it doesn’t have to be every day, but like I’d like to actually converse.
Part of us doing this is so that we can go about doing the work to build our lives.
Yeah but what about doing the work of building our lives together.
See that’s the kind of shit that makes me want to run in the opposite direction, I’m not here to be with you, I’m here because I like being around you and talking to you and maybe build a relationship, I’m not taking steps in my life towards you, not yet, if ever. I’m going to go get my wonderful beautiful awesome life. And you should be too.
I mean I am, I’m working towards that as well for my own self, but I want to be with you.
I want to be with you too, but my life is more important and it will always be more important than you, or this relationship.
I thought there was more to this.
I think there is too which is why I’m talking to you, working on this.
I mean, yeah, I am too, I just, I don’t know I wish things were a little like before. But I feel like I ruined things.
Yeah, maybe, you did. But I’m not totally closing the door I just need some space and time to myself, I like having time to myself, a lot.
I dig that, I totally understand wanting your own space and I do as well. But we used to talk, and listen-
What? Yeah? I listen. I listen to you.
You used to tell me about your day and the people in your life, the things that excite you and mean something to you, that matter. And now I don’t hear any of it. Merely, “hope you had a good day” once a week.
I’m in grad school.
You know I worked 120 hours one week and I still found the time to talk to you, to send a hello or go back and forth, yeah life and work and school get busy, but you know when you care about someone you find the time.
I care about you,
Well it doesn’t feel that way anymore, maybe I’m just being sensitive.
You are sensitive, but I like that about you.
You’ve told me.
What do you want me to say?
I want you to tell me how you feel about me because I deserve to know if it’s changed, because it feels like it has. We agreed to be honest with each other and open, you want me to call you on your shit and you don’t want to have to dig for things in me so don’t make me dig.
See this is what freaks me out, you’re going crazy about all this and I just want to chill out, take it one day at a time and see where it takes us. Right now it’s not taking us in a good direction.
You’re avoiding the question.
I’m not avoiding the question.
Ok fine, you know what, yeah my feelings have changed, because you were an ass to me and you really freaked out me and some good friends with that BULLSHIT you don’t label, and you unload A LOT of shit on me, I wonder if you even know who I am, I think you’ve got an idea that’s not an accurate depiction of who I am, you have no tact, you think only of yourself sometimes, you need help and I am not here to solve your problems. I’m here to be me, hopefully with you, the real you, whoever that is, because I’m not sure I know, or maybe I do and I just don’t like it and that scares the shit out of me. I really liked you. I still do, but you need to chill the fuck out and maybe see someone. If anything happens between us it doesn’t matter, you are what matters, not me, I am not going to make some meaning for you, we’re building our lives, apart, because we are apart and if they come together that might be really nice. But it is what it is and you gotta let go, if this is ever gonna happen you gotta let go of it, because I’m not doing the girlfriend bullshit right now.
I care about you.
I care about you.
Is that ok?
Yes, of course. Just chill out a bit. Ok?
Ok. I’ll try.
Don’t try it. Do it.
Ok. Can we talk a little bit more?
I don’t know dude. Just give me a minute.